Let’s face it, most couples find themselves in therapy in times of crisis. The crisis could be sudden and unexpected, or it could be the result of smaller issues piling up over time, turning into ‘The Big One’.
Coming to relationship therapy in crisis is often experienced as something done under duress and with an uncomfortable sense of urgency.
Many good therapists are well-practiced and skilled in the art of ‘do or die, end-of-the-road, last chance saloon’ sessions and a crisis can sometimes even inject much needed clarity and focus into the work to produce great outcomes.
But mostly relationship therapy in crisis can feel like rebuilding a house while the roof is still on fire and foundations have been burnt to the ground. With good scaffolding and expertise, the rebuild will be entirely possible, but it will require a good deal of hard work and commitment.
Stretching the same analogy, isn’t better then to work on fire prevention measures to avoid a blaze or to protect the safe home you already have?
All therapists will tell you that effective change and problem-solving in relationships is more easily achieved and sustained when the relationship itself isn’t already under enormous stress – couple therapy where the focus from the get-go is about knowing more and being better rather than just surviving as opposed to calling it quits.
And while the old adage; ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ would seem a sensible approach to good relationships, it tends to ignore the non-static nature of them. What works or what feels manageable at one stage in your life together may not feel the same as you enter another.
With that in mind, here are but a few instances when getting to a therapist ahead of the curve could really make a difference to not only the long-term sustainability of your relationship, but also to its ongoing strength and vitality.
- The Appearance of Red Flags
Thanks to a plethora of reality dating programmes and TikToks many more people are familiar with ‘red flag’ behaviour. And while red flags in relationships do signify that something should change, the discovery of them alone, does not necessarily need to be the end of the road for a relationship.
Not all red flags represent, or are portents to, abuse and not all red flags are a permanent feature of a person’s relationship style. Some red flag carriers can change! And while they may benefit from individual relationship therapy, sometimes the presence of a partner who can supportively hold up a mirror to their behaviour can be the help they need to be better. If the red flag waver remains stubborn and reluctant to give it up though, a good therapist will call this out and help you both out of the situation with care.
- Pre-nuptial Prevention
When we feel ready to commit to a lifetime together, we would like to believe that our relationship is at its absolute best and not in need of expert help. Hopefully, married couples-to-be will have already learnt a fair bit about the art of compromise; the comfort of reliability; the need for separateness and the benefits of vulnerability before deciding to tie the knot.
However, a lifetime together involves a whole lot of, well, ‘life’. And life is full of choices and decisions; it is complicated, and it involves a range of challenges along the way. And while we may feel we have the ‘love’ part of our relationship licked we may not have sorted out the ‘life’ bit even as we prepare to walk down the aisle.
Having a discussed and agreed (yet flexible) shared agenda in long-term relationships is invaluable. Sure, this can be practical in terms of big decisions, defined goals, and strategies for getting there however, even better if we also have an emotional roadmap that we can use to help navigate the yet unknown. Having some knowledge of, and being able to anticipate, how the other will feel and behave on life’s journey in advance can save a whole lot of time and upset later. A short course of couple sessions focused on achieving this can set a strong and positive standard for how you manage the rest of your married life.
- Baby Makes Three
For some couples, developing a brand-new relationship bond with a child as parents can be one of the most fulfilling experiences they can have together; it can also sometimes also feel like a big (if beautiful) bomb going off under their own relationship. Fortunately, most people survive the blast and go on to have their life affirmed by the experience of parenting, but many couples do find that they are picking shrapnel and debris out of their relationship for months, and sometimes years, afterwards.
Many new and experienced parents will find the idea of having even a nanosecond to think about their own relationship let alone a whole hour with a therapist to talk about it, laughable. They might also feel that it is bit selfish. After all parenthood is the definition of selflessness and sacrifice. But leaving the very thing that empowered parenthood in the first place, unattended and neglected, for too long could lead to far greater problems in the future. Better to maintain your couple relationship to be a source of strength in parenting rather than it become a sacrificial offering.
Of course, relationship ebb and flow is normal and necessary to be able to put in the required effort to grow a tiny human into an adult. When flow disappears completely without much comment however, it can store up problems that might feel much more insurmountable in the future. Regularly spending an hour in couple therapy could be the only hour you get to yourselves as a parent, but it could be time well spent for the whole family’s future.
- Managing Menopause
The challenges – physical and emotional – of menopause are now increasingly part of mainstream conversation, medical service provision and even legislation. All of which is helping destigmatise women’s experience of it. However, in talking about it more we are also becoming aware that no two experiences of menopause are the same and there is often no one-size-fits-all remedy for even common symptoms.
The impact of menopause on relationships is equally complicated and highly personal. What is clear however, is that many women (but not all) struggle with the relationship they have with themselves during menopause, and so it is unsurprising then that they may also struggle in their relationships with others. Often a partner will have no idea of what’s really going on for them and may even be too afraid to ask. Couple therapy can be the ideal space for both partners to explore and understand the impact and find ways of dealing with it.
Being hormonally challenged however, can also create a degree of clarity previously absent and some women find that previously long-tolerated issues in their relationship may no longer feel acceptable to them. They literally do not have the oestrogen-fuelled patience for certain behaviour. Now indeed might be a good time to walk away (and many do) but it might also be a good time to enrol the help of a professional to support you in asking for the change you need from your partner.
The many crossroads and milestones of life, and our own emotional states, can present challenges to all relationships, even really good ones. Caught early though and attended to with curiosity and care in therapy, they need not become 999 crises.